Tornado Alley = MONSOON.

No one told us they have Monsoons in Kansas. Did we mention the dog is afraid of thunder?? We’ll get to that.

First - we'd like to give a little shout out...

Let's go ahead and get something straight. Kansas is NOT the flat, ugly drive everyone says it is (Missouri, on the other hand...). I've done this drive twice now and remembered liking it the first time too. We both agreed that these lush, green rolling hills - now covered in wind mills (right on, Kansas!), the open fields and big skies don't get the credit they deserve. It's alright Kansas, we got your back.

So, going through Indiana, Illinois, Misouri and then onto Eastern Kansas doesn’t sound like a lot – but it IS!! It took us around 11 hours to get through these farm-filled patches. We saw the arch in St. Louis and regretted not being able to stop at Imo’s Pizza - the recommendation of a friend. We passed through Kansas City and wished we could taste their barbecue. We had to keep truckin’ and couldn’t leave the dog in the car. A mediocre Mexican joint would just have to suffice. I think they put mayonnaise on my chicken salad...weird. Phillip ate 6 tacos instead of 8. Also weird.

We finally arrived in Salina and settled on a KOA (Kampgrounds of America) – we chose this location mainly because Phillip and I both love it when people substitute a "K" for what should be a "C" in words. How creative!!! Ahem, excuse me, I mean, how "Kreative"!! We were pleased to find out that this luxury kamp site had amenities such as: movie rentals, a 2.99 breakfast, showers (sans bugs), and Wi Fi!! Who needs a house? Seriously, this was obviously heaven.

A man with no teeth and strange skin picked us up in his GUV (golf cart utility vehicle) and drove us to our site. He mentioned a few drainage problems there. The sky was clear. We did hear talk of “light showers” – but no need for concern here! Phillip rented a movie about Jesse James and we settled in, ready to end our long day. It was around this time, that the sky opened up and unleashed the wrath of god.

The dog was ramming his head into the corner of the tent, under my pillow, under a leg, any place he could find. Honestly, he actually did surprisingly well, considering he probably thought we were all going to die. I think he was just glad we were all in it together. We tried to wait it out, but the rain got worse, the lightening got MUCH closer and the thunder got MUCH louder. Then, we realized the tent leaks. Awesome.

Water was pouring beneath the tent, when finally, a giant crash of lightening convinced us that this was NOT the way we wanted to die. So we took the shaking dog by the collar and dragged him, in the pouring rain and through the muddy trenches, towards the car. A very muddy dog, a new car and phillip just don’t mix. The mess only added to the stress. We piled in and hung out under cover at a gas station until it passed.

When we returned to the scene, we found our tent practically floating. As we contemplated sleeping in the muddy car, a boy in a cowboy hat rode up in his golf cart to deliver a “message from Grandpa”. He was great - bowed and folded his hat to his chest before addressing me with a soft, flat mid-western accent. What a little gentleman. So, "Grandpa", through his lil' cowboy grandson, gave us permission to change sites. Better late than never, I guess. The boy suggested that the “new guy” – the one w/ no teeth – was most likely an idiot and shouldn’t have placed anyone in the KOA flood plane. Thanks kid. Thanks Grandpa. We moved.

Phillip immediately did laundry to prevent a panic attack and give us a fresh start the next day. I scrubbed dirty paws and passed out. Finally, sleep…..

COLORADO OR BUST…

ONE TICK, TWO TICK, THREE TICK, FOUR...

After making our way through North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and Kentucky, We arrived in St. Croix, Indiana. Here, we camped in swampy, hot, tick infested conditions at Hoosier National Forest. It was truly lovely. But hey, at least there were showers... which were especially awesome due to the entire eco-system living in them! I’ve never showered with so many leggy, slimy creepy crawlies in my life. One of which was camped out in my flesh – yay ticks! Phillip would like to go on record and say that the men’s showers were not so bad, but I had a hard time feeling “clean” after my shower.

The next morning we piled into the car, pulled some more ticks off the dog and set out for the longest leg of the trip: Indiana to Selina, Kansas.

BLAST OFF! – June 19, 2009

The night before lift off....

Floors were swept and bare, baseboards were scrubbed, the fish found a home and THE HOUSE SOLD (a last minute miracle – the day before we left!), and all of our clothes and worldly belongings were on a truck headed west (we hoped). We were camped out on the floor in sleeping bags...Simon had his dog bed and plastic donut. I was puffy eyed from long goodbyes and drunk from too many farewell beers. Phillip was consoling me and enjoying his own state of inebriation. Everyone was stoked.

The Departure....

I woke up drunk. Phillip was hungover. What a way to start a 3,000 mile journey. Regardless, spirits were high. We packed Simon and our bags into the Volvo and we headed out for our last cup of coffee at our favorite Greensboro java joint – the Green Bean. And then.....3, 2, 1.....

TRAVELER PROFILE: Phillip McNamara (“Champ”)

Phillip is a 30 yr old former male model born under the astrological sign of Gemini.

Likes: Peezy, mountains, snowboarding, bikes, European motorcycles, and architecture .

Dislikes: Dancing and racists.

Phillip is renowned for his ability to eat copious amounts of food while remaining suspiciously skinny. He will annihilate 8 tacos just to “show em’ who’s boss" or make a “pre-dinner snack” out of three roast beef sandwiches. He looks forward to eating his weight in salmon upon arriving in the Pacific North West.

TRAVELER PROFILE: Jenny Paige (“Peezy”)

Jenny is a 28 yr. old who recently gave up a long career in environmental activism to pursue her life-long dream of opening a boiled peanut stand on the west coast .

Likes: Champ, beer, public displays of dancing, etch-a-sketch, the great outdoors, literary geniuses, live music and good art.

Dislikes: the phrase “whatever’s clever” and racists.

Jenny is not looking forward to joining the ranks of the unemployed and uninsured. However, she will attempt to “put on her big girl pants” and laugh in the face of adversity. She will miss eating biscuits and collard greens, but looks forward to offending west coast idealists, introducing Portlanders to rap music, and learning how to ski.

TRAVELER PROFILE: Simon (“Slime boat”)

Simon is a 6 yr. old, beautiful, lovable, loyal, overly dependent and mentally challenged mixed breed. He is highly entertaining and terrified of most things on earth. We love him immensely.

Likes: slobbering, dirt, puddles, things that smell foul, attempting to meow, sneezing, holding 5am “conversations” with the cat, giving the cat wet willies, high jacking your spot on the couch, belly rubs, walking, licking your face off, car trips, and carrying around his plastic donut.

Dislikes: Thunder, Fireworks, Skateboarders, blimps, baseball games, loud shoulder strips on the highway, getting haircuts, and anything else that might give him the sense that the world is ending.

TRAVELER PROFILE: Seal (“Squeals”)

Squeals is a 10 yr. old, aggressively affectionate, talkative and somewhat grumpy little cat.

Likes: torturing the dog, attempting to lure the fish into her mouth, basking in the sun and throwing up.

Dislikes: wet willies from the dog, traveling in any way shape or form (especially the car), cold nights and bad music.

Needless to say, (and one might gather from the name of this blog), that we are worried about our little old lady. She has the adventure of a lifetime in front her, and by “adventure of a lifetime”, I mean 9 hrs in her own version of hell on earth. She’ll be flying third class in the cargo hold of multiple airplanes …high on Xanax.

Sorry Seal. We love you. You have a long ”apology massage” scheduled upon your arrival in Portland. See you on the 26th.

TRAVELER PROFILE: Duff (“Cancer Face” )

Duff is an almost 8 yr. old fish who lives in a clear bucket.

Likes: Unknown

Dislikes: Unknown

“Fish don’t camp.” That’s what I said to two of my friends almost three years ago when they were about to embark on their own cross country adventure from Greensbooro, NC to Durango, CO. They had two dogs and Duff, a five year old gold fish. When I asked at the going away party, “What will you do with the fish?” my friend responded “uh, I guess we’ll take him camping??” Yeah, Fish don’t camp. So, I drunkenly offered to take the fish. I then immediately forgot this offer. I remembered when I received a call at work the next day…

Fast forward three years : Phillip and I find ourselves in the same fish burdened boat.

So, while Duffy is not really a traveler on our journey, he is taking his own little trip to our neighbors house (thanks Mike). He now dwells in a much larger tank with a buxom young lady fish named “Juanita”. We wish him the best and will miss his excited little dances and sporadic outbreaks of facial tumors.

TRAVELER PROFILE: The Volvo (The Time Machine)

This little number will be traveling approximately 2,987 miles w/ two people and a smelly dog in it’s belly. She’s a 2002, Volvo V70 XC, AWD with an Ash Gold metallic exterior and an inline 5 cylinder turbo charged engine. Complete with Sexy leather interior with all the bells and whistles.

Likes: Long road trips, 102 Jamz and staying clean.

Dislikes: dirty passengers and bug guts on the winshield.